Comment Wall September 21, 2020 / admin / 12 Comments Hello, Thank you for visiting my storybook, From the Lake! Please let me know what you think and if you have any feedback. Somewhere near Camelot | Pixabay Uncategorized, Week 4 Comment WallWeek 4 Previous post Reading Notes: Homer’s Odyssey Part B Next post From the Lake Storybook 12 Comments Sana October 3, 2020 at 5:14 pm Hi Jillienne! First thing I noticed when I went to your page was how it was such a nice format. I really like the black and white colors and your banner pictures are amazing. They look so good. I like how direct the intro was. I like the background of the legends of King Arthur and how you directly said where your twist will be located which is within the stories of the Lady of the Lake. I really like the mystery that you put into your story. However because I did not read this story, I am a little bit confused in the intro. I had a couple questions such as what is she after? What does the Lady need from him? Who is him? King Arthur? Arthur is sure that it is her, but what is he sure she is? Overall, I am really excited to read your stories! I cannot wait to hear what twist you come up with. Great job! Reply Snail Mail Riot October 4, 2020 at 6:12 pm Hi Jillienne 🙂 The first things were your AWESOME title and the wonderful layout of your storybook and its design. Your title hints at your focus on the Lady of the Lake, but for the most part, it reads like a title from a mystery book—very fitting, I think, since the Lady herself seems shrouded in mystery. The majority of my recommendations are with punctuation and awkward wording. The content itself is wonderful. The first awkward phrase is near the beginning. It’s the “Each person also has had a different…” sentence. It’s a little confusing to read. I would suggest removing the word “had” or rewriting the sentence as “Each person has also had a different….” This is a little nitpicky, but the comma after Alfred in “Alfred, Lord Tennyson” also caused a little confusion. It could be how his name is actually spelled. I’ll be the first to admit titles like Lord and the like as well as Arthurian legend aren’t anywhere near my forte, but as a reader, having it “Alfred, Lord Tennyson” was a little confusing. I would break up te last sentence of your first paragraph into two sentences. This would make the sentence flow more smoothly, and it’ll keep the reader from being confused by the run-on sentence. I suggest putting the period after perceived. This way it would read, “…her personality is often erratically perceived. She is a person….” Also, great job writing erratically properly! It’s a common mistake to write it with an ir instead. 🙂 I would also break up the first sentence of the “Merlin and Vivienne” paragraph. It’s awkwardly worded, and I had to reread it a few times. I would reword the sentence entirely. Maybe say “‘Merlin and Vivienne’ shows another side of the Lady where Vivienne is her alter ego.” or something to that effect. I think that would get all the same information across but in a cleaner way. I like this paragraph though! I don’t know a lot about King Arthur, let alone the Lady, so it makes me very curious about what Vivienne wants. Don’t forget, if you have two independent clauses (complete sentences) joined by a conjunction such as “and,” make sure to put a comma between the end of the first clause and the conjunction. Don’t sweat about it too much though, it’s a really, really common mistake and one I still make often as well! The last paragraph is my absolute favorite. I love how you end with telling the reader Arthur is 100% sure the Lady is real, then immediately follow it up with a question that makes the reader doubt. It definitely makes me want to take a closer look at the stories you’ll have in there. I really liked the overall feel of your introduction. It feels like a more historical version of the “reading a storybook before the movie starts” trope, and I am here for it! You did an excellent job of drawing me in! Keep up the great work 🙂 Reply Anonymous October 4, 2020 at 6:47 pm Hi Jillienne, I think your storybook is going to be amazing. I love the layout and as soon as I opened it I the header/background picture captured my attention. It is beautiful and made me want to be at the lake. The spin you are using to put a twist on King Aurthur is one that I would have never thought of. I do not have much prior knowledge on the stories of King Arthur but I think that by using the poems and expanding upon them you will have lots of room to put your own unique twist on things. I think honing in on personality is another way in which you will be able to make it your own. I am very interested in coming back and seeing just how you expand on the poems and turn them into a full storybook. Reply Rachel October 8, 2020 at 1:46 pm Jillienne, your storybooks looks great. The layout and pictures both drew me, and felt very mysterious and Artherian. I’m somewhat familiar with legends surrounding King Arthur – enough to have heard of the Lady of the Lake – but I have not read the poems that you referenced. That being the case, I can’t give you any feedback about the content of your storybook. Based on my impressions, however, I think it seems like a very creative and worthwhile endeavor! I agree with some of the comments already made above about re-wording a few of the sentences. The last question “Is it the Lady of the Lake is Arthur grasping for comfort?” needs to be reworded as well. But that type of editing is always hard to do yourself – I can often reread my own work several times and not catch obvious mistakes! Reading aloud or having a friend look over it once should be fine. I can tell that you are an excellent writer. I will definitely be checking back to read your finished stories – great job! Reply Rachel October 18, 2020 at 10:53 pm Hello, Let me just say I love the design and images chosen for your project. It looks well done. You had me at the mention of Arthur. I love anything and everything regarding the Arthurian legends. Your story is quite enjoyable. It allows the reader to be inquired by what is to come. I liked your take on the story as it was easily to follow along with. Your story could be improved by adding a point of view character. Meaning you wouldn’t know what other characters besides the view from which how the character you choose thinks and feels. I do think the way you have written the story is well done, but these suggestions may help. Readers tend to like to follow a story from a character’s point of view, but the choice is yours. Again, I do think what you have is going to be great. I can’t wait for the rest of what you write. Reply Jaicee Dickerson October 19, 2020 at 2:24 pm Hey Jillienne, I’ve never personally read anything about the Arthurian legends, and only know a few little things, so I’m definitely excited to keep reading your storybook! For your introduction, there’s some sentences that can be reworded, which previous commenters have pointed out, so I won’t reiterate them, but just a little rephrasing will help! That said, maybe you could go in more depth about why there are two versions to the Lady of the Lake since you mention that she’s depicted as either sweet or malicious? Is it an interpretation and author’s choice type of thing, or is there something actually within the Legends that portray her as such? Also, I would love to know more about why you chose to write about her! She sounds like she has a significant impact on Arthur, so I’d love to know more about that as well! Really, other then that, it was a really interesting read and I’m curious to learn more about her from your point of view. Reply Anonymous October 24, 2020 at 5:17 pm Hey Jillienne, I enjoy reading all your stories. Your storybook is so fun to look at. The theme of it blends perfectly with your writing. You have used several images so well with the theme and it is easy to understand what you were trying to accomplish. I thought the connection of the art with the intro was beautiful, and the history of all the characters we will encounter was also amazing. Besides, your plots would never make me feel boring. I am motivated by all of them to read forward. Moreover, the specific description in your story is vivid and funny. For example, each character shows their unique personalities and characteristics. Reply Mirza Beg October 25, 2020 at 10:24 pm Hi Jilliene, I enjoyed your introduction and story. I also really liked the full-page picture on the home screen, it looks really good, and the whole aesthetic works very well. Your introduction is well put together and I think you did a good job o flaying out the theme for your project. I think I was a bit confused reading through your first story though. I think having some explanation for who all the names in the story are would be really helpful. For example, I did not really know who Gorlois or Anton were. I did like that you focused on the lady of the lake though, I think that was a good touch. Also, your author’s note was very detailed and helped me understand a lot of what was happening in and after the story. Overall, I think your story is very good but could use a little clarification on who all these names belong to and how they relate to each other. Reply Caleb Pinson October 26, 2020 at 10:18 am Hi, Jillienne! What a wonderful job you did of retelling the story of King Arthur’s origins. I am not too familiar with the legend of king Arthur. Therefore, I can’t really comment on how well you retold this story or how well you injected your own creative touch. I can say that it was very well written. I do think there was a missed set of quotation marks around Arthur’s thought in the first paragraph. I could be wrong on that. I wonder if you could switch out the word baseborn for something a bit more commonly used in modern language. I understand that may be the word used in the original tale and lends a bit of that medieval flavor to the text, but it may be best to avoid forcing readers to go look up a word to fully understand your story. Context clues helped, but I think just using something like “illegitimate” may be better. Your introduction served its function well. I fully understood what I was heading in to. I might suggest making your picture on your home page a bit smaller or looking into a different theme for your website. I was a bit confused on navigation of the sight before realizing I needed to scroll down. Reply Anonymous November 8, 2020 at 11:48 pm Hey Jillienne! I first want to comment on how beautifully set up your website is! I really wanted to use a Wixsite for my portfolio, but I had too much difficulty that I went for simplicity with Google. The way you have your site set up is very easy to access and also does a great job of giving the reader a good image for the tone of your stories. Your introduction did a great job setting the scene for your readers for the retelling of King Arthur. My only previous knowledge of King Arthur comes from that really horrible Disney live-action movie about King Arthur in high school, so I was eager to read your introduction to see what dots I could connect for myself. I liked your older language that you used as it made it seem so much more in tune with the times of King Arthur and as if we were reading the same story told from a different author. Overall, I think your website and its contents are fantastic and I hope you’ve had a great time working on this project! Reply sidney may November 16, 2020 at 10:22 am Hi Jillienne, Great job on the storybook so far! I really like the way that it’s set up. I haven’t read the exact source of where your story originates from but I did read King Arthur last week so I’m somewhat familiar with the story line. I really like that you decided to tell it with more emphasis on the lady from the lake, and also that the story does not include him pulling the sword from the stone. I think that your first story did a great job of setting the context for Arthur and his story, because I was even a little confused on that in the original story. The only critique I have is that there’s less dialogue surrounding the lady of the lake in this story. Otherwise I thought it was very well developed. For the author’s note, I think a little more context may be helpful for readers that haven’t read the story before, since the original version includes him pulling the sword from the stone. Great work so far! Reply Riley Flaherty November 29, 2020 at 11:26 pm Hi Jillienne! Your Storybook looks amazing! It’s wonderfully formatted and the image that you chose for the cover page is beautiful. I would even love to see more images throughout. Other than that, this Storybook looks awesome! I found myself lost in your story at times though. For some reason, it was hard for me to understand what was going on at times and I think it had something to do with the fact that I haven’t read what you were writing about. I would suggest adding in some more detail to ground your readers in the story and help them to understand what is happening. One way that you could do this is by introducing your characters with a little more background. The main problem I had was knowing who everybody was and it confused me. This Storybook looks excellent so far and I can’t wait to see where you take it! Keep up the good work! Good job! Reply Leave a Reply Cancel replyYour email address will not be published.Comment Notify me of followup comments via e-mail Name Email Website Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.